She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
