I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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