DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
