just survived the first fart of the relationship.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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