i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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