as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
