guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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