From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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