So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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