dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
