Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
