can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I checked into jail on foursquare
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
