Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
