someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
