But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
