the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
