He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
