she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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