just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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