Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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