You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
