The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
