dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
