tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
