I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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