I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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