she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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