you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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