why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
