You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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