can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
