I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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