Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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