: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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