There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
