She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I cannot find my penis.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
