This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
