so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The uberlube is also flammable
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
