Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think i have two assholes
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
