Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
