So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
