i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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