so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
