His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
