you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
