Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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