I accidentally had phone sex last night
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
