Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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