You don't have asthma, your pregnant
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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