She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
