i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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