Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
