quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize