His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
