My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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