Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
