I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
