how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am naked and annoyed.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
