the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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