i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
