apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
