just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
