butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
