I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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