final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
